I’ve been thinking recently about how consistently bad keyboards are. All of the improvements to consumer computers over the past couple of decades have marched to more or less the same beat — smaller, lighter, faster, more features — but this has been disastrous for keyboards. Virtually all keyboards available in the consumer marketplace, and certainly 100% of keyboards available at retail, are just terrible. Companies routinely sell kits that contain a sophisticated laser-tracking optical mouse, and a horrible keyboard. But it has lots of media buttons!

In my opinion there are really only two things that make a keyboard an ergonomic success. A keyboard should be heavy, so that it is more or less immobile on your desk. It should also provide tactile feedback to the user’s fingers that occurs at exactly the same moment that the keypresses register. That’s basically it. IBM figured both of these out with the buckling-spring Model M keyboard of the ’80s and ’90s, and it was very successful. However, a drive toward quieter keyboards in the workplace resulted in the replacement of the expensive and complicated buckling spring mechanism with a cheap membrane sheet akin to what you might find in a calculator. For some reason, keyboard manufacturers have been continuing to get away with foisting this crap on us for many years now.

Today’s cheap membrane keyboards fail both of my ergonomic tests. They weigh nothing, and all the little rubber feet in the world won’t prevent them from sliding around on your desk. They also provide no tactile feedback, and the keypress registers at an indeterminate point between when you first feel resistance from the key and when the key reaches the bottom of its travel. In my book, this means that they suck. I don’t understand why people who may spend $1500 or $2000 building a desktop PC from the best parts available will turn around and spend $75 on an expensive “gaming” keyboard that has lots of programmable buttons but is mechanically no more sophisticated than a calculator. Keyboards used to be inelegant mechanical things, and as long as human beings are made of meat, the inelegant mechanical keyboard will remain the superior device.

I’m a fast typist, so maybe this just matters less to other people. For me, the difference is huge: I top out at about 85 wpm on a membrane keyboard but can sustain 125 wpm on a Model M or comparable keyboard. That’s almost a 50% increase in speed. For someone who types 30 or 40 wpm, I can imagine this kind of improvement making a significant difference.

There is a fair variety of mechanical keyboards on the market these days, but many are aimed at the enthusiast market and I believe the majority of those are overpriced. I would like to put in a plug for the keyboards manufactured by Unicomp, who inherited IBM’s keyboard business via Lexmark. The Unicomp Customizer is virtually identical to the legendary Model M, metal backplate and all, with the exception of single-unit keycaps and a USB interface. You can buy one at Unicomp’s incredibly outdated website. They are $80, assembled pretty much entirely by hand, and worth every penny.

I was at the store to pick up food for our respective weeks and also some first aid supplies. I found myself in the soda aisle, considering my options. Low-carb knocks out anything other than diet soda, obviously, but that still leaves so many options. Out of the corner of my eye, I spied an octopus.

OCTOPUS!!

That’s right. Jones Soda saw me coming. Not only have they delivered on my complaint at every single grocery store / Wal-Mart / Gas Station for some diet black cherry soda. But they delivered it in the only way I ever would have noticed — with an adorable drawn octopus on the box.

Kudos to the good people at Jones. Normally I don’t spend a ridiculous amount of money on my diet soda, but the chance to taste black cherry soda again… well, I decided to drop the cash. The soda actually tastes really good. There’s a bit more vanilla than I like, but altogether it is more than satisfying.

I’d say this purchase was worthwhile, but I have one issue. I can’t get my soda to not spray on me when I open it. I think I shake the bottle a lot because it’s so flipping hard to get the twist-off cap off. Probably “user-error,” but you know, old folks drink soda too.

As for all my other complaints… well, you can’t expect too much from the world. And anyway, on the same grocery trip, a gentleman not employed by the store was kind enough to take my cart to the cart corral. It was nice, especially since I was being moderately crazy and talking to my groceries as I put them in the trunk.

Taking the train is neither the cheapest nor the fastest way to get anywhere of significant distance in the U.S., and it’s a shame because taking the train is hands down the nicest way to get there. Our trip involves a 6-hour ride in coach between St. Louis and Chicago, followed by an overnight (17-hour) trip between Chicago and DC. This might sound horrible, but you’re pretty much moving the entire time. So far, our day has looked like this:

1. Drive to St. Louis at 5:00 in the morning. Find that there is plenty of parking right at the Amtrak station downtown and that you have arrived far too early. Sit in the train station for 2 hours.
2. Board the train to Chicago. Sleep. Have some coffee and snacks. Watch the scenery.
3. Get off the train at Chicago. Leave carry-on bags in the baggage check and make reservations for dinner on the train.
4. Find the food court and have lunch.
5. Leave the station and bum around Chicago for a bit. Take pictures of the giant Christmas tree in the Willis Tower.
6. Return to the Metropolitan Lounge inside the station, which is incredibly nice with lots of comfortable seating, free drinks and a fireplace.
7. Watch 3 episodes of Arrested Development on the laptop.
8. Board the Capitol Limited and settle into your sleeping compartment for 20 minutes.
9. Eat a really excellent dinner and meet new people. I had beef tips in an Asian style sauce with rice pilaf, a vegetable medley, a dinner roll, a green salad, and a piece of apple cranberry pie. This was all included in the price of the trip and the service and food quality were outstanding.
10. Take a hot shower, if so inclined.
11. Relax and watch the scenery for another hour or two.
12. Call the sleeping car attendant to fold out the berths and get ready for bed.

So, yes, we’ve been traveling all day, but it’s been a very relaxing day with completely none of the pressure I normally associate with travel. We’ll wake up tomorrow, have what I’m sure will be a delicious breakfast, see some of the most beautiful scenery I know of (Harper’s Ferry and Western Maryland), and roll into DC around lunchtime. What could be nicer?

Maybe I’m just surrounded by like-minded people, but everybody I’ve mentioned this trip to has been very positive about it. They say things like, “Oh, I’ve always wanted to do something like that.” I wish more people who were so positive on taking the train would just do it. It’s really, really nice, it’s not much more expensive than flying coach, and it’ll only cost you an extra day or two in the worst case. It’s almost embarrassingly comfortable and the government hasn’t figured out how to ruin it despite several decades of effort.

But I am not here to extol the virtues of the Flat Fold Colander, diverse though they may be. I am here to tell you about Haband, probably the most hilarious company I have ever dealt with. Not in a good way.

Haband (or as they sometimes style themselves, “Haband!”) is a mail-order business that apparently caters exclusively to the–*ahem*–aged, particularly those who have lost their sense of dress and/or eyesight. Most of what they sell is clothes, but there’s always an assortment of other random crap on offer, which happened to include the Flat Fold Colander when I was in the market for one. Seriously, take a look at some of the fine men’s and women’s fashions on their website if you don’t believe me. They’re hideous. Everything is made of polyester twill and elastic. Mostly elastic. The products are apparently also poorly made, as evidenced by Haband’s hard-earned one-and-a-half-star rating on Epinions.

Anyway, ever since buying the colander from them, I’ve been receiving in the mail every month or two a small stack of slick fliers–like a Valpak coupon mailer–each advertising a different new product from Haband. These mailers are pure hilarity and I strongly advise you to get on their mailing list in any way possible. This month’s, however, takes the cake. Nestled among the fliers was this letter, personally addressed to me by Mr. Duke Habernickel, proprietor:

My Distinguished Friend,

As any man worthy of great esteem (like yourself) knows, the absolute best purveyors of goods and services often present their customers with a lavish, eye-catching set of “Thank You” gifts. Superior, top-of-the-line benefits that even the most discerning of tastes will appreciate and enjoy. An Executive Pen, for example. An International Chronographic Classic Watch perhaps. Even a High-Quality Glove Soft Wallet.

Just recently I have secured a limited amount of these elegant kinds of Gift Sets for a few of my favorite Haband Customers, & You Sir, Have Been Chosen among them! Nothing would make me happier than to send you one of these incredible Gift Sets, which their skilled manufacturer suggests is an $80 VALUE!

Each three-piece set is crafted with care and precision by Black Diamond™, a name with which you are no doubt already familiar. You get a handsome, quartz-accurate Classic Wristwatch that is the very embodiment of luxury. One glance at this Black Diamond™ Wristwatch and your friends are all sure to wonder if you have recently been honored by the Chamber of Commerce and why they weren’t invited to the ceremony! But that’s not all, my friend.

You will also receive the lavish Black Diamond™ Executive Pen that writes smooth & fits comfortably in your hand. And the Black Diamond™ Glove Soft Bi-Fold Wallet to store the massive fortune you have saved doing business with yours truly!

Oh, the letter brings tears to my eyes. It rivals promotional materials from American Express in terms of sheer pomposity. Needless to say, the company “with which I am no doubt already familiar” doesn’t exist at all. The gifts look incredibly cheap even in their doctored photos. My favorite thing, though, is the tagline for the wristwatch. I can just imagine the conversations:

Me: Bob, have you seen my new Black Diamond™ Wristwatch?
Bob: No. (raises eyebrows) Wow Michael, what a luxurious watch. Why was I not invited to the ceremony when you were honored by the Chamber of Commerce, which is the only way I can imagine you having obtained such a watch?
Me: Because you suck, Bob!
Bob: (silence)
Me: Ahahahahahaaaa!
Bob: Nooooooooo!

Ahem. Sorry. The whole “Chamber of Commerce” bit is repeated on the coupon I’m supposed to send in with my order to receive my fabulous free gifts, so the folks at Haband are clearly quite proud of that piece of wordsmithing. Speaking of wordsmithing, this was also included in my mailer this month:

Good Friends Share Only the Best News! And that’s what we are sharing with you today, some very Good News! In the near future it is possible that one of our “partner companies,” also considered like yourself, close friends of Haband, may be contacting you via phone with great offers and discounts that could benefit your everyday life. You have every option to take advantage of these offers and save a lot of money!

Y’know, on second thought, maybe you shouldn’t go get yourself added to Haband’s mailing list.

Well, we’re all those things, but we still like some stuff. A lot of stuff. There wouldn’t be much point to living if you didn’t like something.

If you’re not local, you won’t care about Fajita Grande, located in Frederick, Maryland, off route 40. If you’re local, and you’ve never heard of it, it is tasty.

It’s popular for good booze specials and they make some good and interesing margaritas. The chips are free and plentiful. The queso tastes like real cheese. And the food is good, and cheap. Cheaper than a tex-mex chain. There are vegetarian options, and they’re not bad (the spinach enchilada is a good choice), but the chicken enchiladas and the chicken tamales are simply fantastic. They serve them with some fantastic tomatillo sauce and rice and beans. I don’t care much for their beans or rice, but damn, anywhere that has a tamale of the day on the menu is a place I want to be. Usually they have a chicken tamale and then either shredded beef or pork. Michael is so impressed with the enchiladas that he orders them every time, and he is not the kind of person who orders the same thing. They’re just darn good, darn cheap and pretty darn nice. There can be a wait on Friday nights, but I rarely have a hard time getting seated or finding a parking space.

There you are – we like Fajita Grande.