Mar 12 2016

Pilot Script: Deputy Director Dog

Published by at 5:12 pm under Comedy,TV

DEPUTY DIRECTOR DOG
EPISODE 1: MID-LEVEL MANAGE-MUTT

INT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY

JOHNSON sits at a desk at a small cubicle, typing into a computer with some urgency.

After a moment, DOG’s voice can be heard over the loudspeaker.

DOG (O.S.)

Johnson, come see me in my office. Come.

JOHNSON stands and walks briskly toward the door of a nearby office.

INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE

DOG sits on his hindquarters in a plush leather chair behind an imposing wooden desk.

JOHNSON enters hurriedly, then carefully closes the door behind him.

JOHNSON

Yes, sir?

DOG

Sit down, Johnson. Sit. Sit. Good man. Now, I wanted to talk to you about this project plan you submitted.

JOHNSON

Yes, sir.

DOG

I’m afraid it’s quite ruff…ruff…rrruff…substandard.

JOHNSON

Oh. If it’s about the schedule–

DOG
(interrupting)

Calm down, Johnson. Easy.

DOG moves to a tall cabinet behind the desk and takes out a decanter and two glasses.

DOG

Would you like a drink, Johnson?

JOHNSON

Er…what is that, sir?

DOG

Twelve year old bathwater. Only the finest.

JOHNSON

No thank you, sir. I, uh, don’t drink bathwater before five o’clock.

CANNED LAUGHTER is heard.

DOG

Suit yourself.

DOG places the decanter and both glasses on his desk, moves one glass aside, and pours himself a drink.

DOG

You’re a good man, Johnson. Good. Your voice isn’t too loud and your butt smells honest.

JOHNSON

Thank you, sir.

DOG

Do you know how I got to where I am today, Johnson?

JOHNSON

The Vice President of Marketing is a madman who made his dog an executive?

DOG

Exactly, Johnson. We’re all in the people pleasing business here. You have to pay your dues.

JOHNSON

I’m sorry?

DOG

Take this project plan. I can’t help but notice that it doesn’t taste like bacon or liver. It isn’t even squeaky. What kind of work is this?

JOHNSON

I thought the point was–

DOG pulls his ears back.

DOG
(interrupting)

Grrrrrrrrrr. I don’t want to hear you babble, Johnson. I want you to explain to me how we’re going to go to market with a product that isn’t squeaky at all, has sharp edges, and frankly tastes like paper.

JOHNSON

That’s just the plan, sir. It isn’t the finished product yet.

DOG

Well, if the plan is any indication, this product is going to be terrible. I want your team to go back to the drawing board, Johnson. No compromises. I want an update in two weeks.

JOHNSON

Yes, sir.

DOG

When you come back, I expect to be kicking my leg in the air involuntarily about your new plan.

JOHNSON

Yes, sir.

DOG

Good man, Johnson. Who’s a good man? You are. With your help, we’re going to have the finest–
What do you call those things we make, Johnson?

JOHNSON

Surgical sutures, sir.

DOG

We’re going to have the finest, squeakiest, most bacony surgical sutures on the market.

JOHNSON

Yes, sir.

DOG waves a paw dismissively in Johnson’s direction.

DOG

All right, Johnson. Now out. Out.

JOHNSON exits.

FADE OUT

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