May 07 2009
Haband
About a year ago, I bought a Flat Fold Colander, which you can see Cathy Mitchell pitching on TV here. It was a good purchase, because it was six bucks, it performs as advertised, and it hasn’t broken yet.
But I am not here to extol the virtues of the Flat Fold Colander, diverse though they may be. I am here to tell you about Haband, probably the most hilarious company I have ever dealt with. Not in a good way.
Haband (or as they sometimes style themselves, “Haband!”) is a mail-order business that apparently caters exclusively to the–*ahem*–aged, particularly those who have lost their sense of dress and/or eyesight. Most of what they sell is clothes, but there’s always an assortment of other random crap on offer, which happened to include the Flat Fold Colander when I was in the market for one. Seriously, take a look at some of the fine men’s and women’s fashions on their website if you don’t believe me. They’re hideous. Everything is made of polyester twill and elastic. Mostly elastic. The products are apparently also poorly made, as evidenced by Haband’s hard-earned one-and-a-half-star rating on Epinions.
Anyway, ever since buying the colander from them, I’ve been receiving in the mail every month or two a small stack of slick fliers–like a Valpak coupon mailer–each advertising a different new product from Haband. These mailers are pure hilarity and I strongly advise you to get on their mailing list in any way possible. This month’s, however, takes the cake. Nestled among the fliers was this letter, personally addressed to me by Mr. Duke Habernickel, proprietor:
My Distinguished Friend,
As any man worthy of great esteem (like yourself) knows, the absolute best purveyors of goods and services often present their customers with a lavish, eye-catching set of “Thank You” gifts. Superior, top-of-the-line benefits that even the most discerning of tastes will appreciate and enjoy. An Executive Pen, for example. An International Chronographic Classic Watch perhaps. Even a High-Quality Glove Soft Wallet.
Just recently I have secured a limited amount of these elegant kinds of Gift Sets for a few of my favorite Haband Customers, & You Sir, Have Been Chosen among them! Nothing would make me happier than to send you one of these incredible Gift Sets, which their skilled manufacturer suggests is an $80 VALUE!
Each three-piece set is crafted with care and precision by Black Diamond™, a name with which you are no doubt already familiar. You get a handsome, quartz-accurate Classic Wristwatch that is the very embodiment of luxury. One glance at this Black Diamond™ Wristwatch and your friends are all sure to wonder if you have recently been honored by the Chamber of Commerce and why they weren’t invited to the ceremony! But that’s not all, my friend.
You will also receive the lavish Black Diamond™ Executive Pen that writes smooth & fits comfortably in your hand. And the Black Diamond™ Glove Soft Bi-Fold Wallet to store the massive fortune you have saved doing business with yours truly!
Oh, the letter brings tears to my eyes. It rivals promotional materials from American Express in terms of sheer pomposity. Needless to say, the company “with which I am no doubt already familiar” doesn’t exist at all. The gifts look incredibly cheap even in their doctored photos. My favorite thing, though, is the tagline for the wristwatch. I can just imagine the conversations:
Me: Bob, have you seen my new Black Diamond™ Wristwatch?
Bob: No. (raises eyebrows) Wow Michael, what a luxurious watch. Why was I not invited to the ceremony when you were honored by the Chamber of Commerce, which is the only way I can imagine you having obtained such a watch?
Me: Because you suck, Bob!
Bob: (silence)
Me: Ahahahahahaaaa!
Bob: Nooooooooo!
Ahem. Sorry. The whole “Chamber of Commerce” bit is repeated on the coupon I’m supposed to send in with my order to receive my fabulous free gifts, so the folks at Haband are clearly quite proud of that piece of wordsmithing. Speaking of wordsmithing, this was also included in my mailer this month:
Good Friends Share Only the Best News! And that’s what we are sharing with you today, some very Good News! In the near future it is possible that one of our “partner companies,” also considered like yourself, close friends of Haband, may be contacting you via phone with great offers and discounts that could benefit your everyday life. You have every option to take advantage of these offers and save a lot of money!
Y’know, on second thought, maybe you shouldn’t go get yourself added to Haband’s mailing list.
Those elastic pants sound perfect for the holidays. And, as you get older you can’t afford to overlook the “water” repellent/retaining qualities of elastic as well.