Mar 26 2009
24
Not the stupid tv show. Not the hours in the day. Not the number of pimples on the average teen’s face. It’s my birthday, today. That’s how old I am.
When I think back over the years, I see lots of things. Mostly what I see is wasted time. Not on school or friends or tv or the hours I spent in my faux-goth youth listening to metal and reading Vonnegut. Nope, all those things were valuable.
I see mostly time wasted caring how I would appear, waiting for someone else to push me into action, years I spent stunting my personal growth because I chose to. All of this is easy to say now that I’m on some powerful meds that have helped make me able to function as a regular me.
My point is, my life is probably more than a quarter over with and I’m not sure I’ve been living the way I want to. That’s pretty lame. But it’s also entirely changeable. So onward, this is good news. I’ve not yet been struck dead.
You’re like Strong Sad all grown up, my love. Complete with faux-goth youth.
I hope your birthday gets better. I have frivolous crap to give you and unhealthy food to make you and these things don’t go well with sober introspection.
I feel you. Have a very happy birthday just the same.
future life exstension tech will reduce that quarter to <1%
Bob here again…
For what it’s worth “I feel your pain”. Well, not really, but I remember the existential struggles of my early 20’s. I was angry, confused, impatient, knew it all, etc, ad nauseam. (Boy, I feel for my parents!) I’m so glad to have come to terms with so many of those issues, learned to not worry about the many things over which I lack control. I’d say it took till I was about 35…but I’m a slow, stubborn student. Not to say I’m “over it”, after all I still have days of “gnawing malaise”. But those are rare, and are usually (unknowingly )pushed aside by my friends.
I would say it wasn’t “wasted time” for ANY of it-it was part of the requisite learning to bring you to the understandings you have today, that you likely wouldn’t have had otherwise. They are the experiences that make you who you are today. (I know how cliche that is, but it still holds true).
In Myers’ Briggs typology, I’m an INTJ – with an emphasis on the “J”, a Judging personality type. It’s how I view the world, and it ain’t changin’ anytime soon. It’s been (and continues to be) a struggle for me to relegate the little judging bastard in my head to the back seat. For me it’s been crucial to stop judging my past against some idealized canvas of what it should have been. It’s not always useful for me to judge something, or mentally ask “why” something is…more useful for me to ask “how” to deal with it.
Besides, the struggle to understand defines coming of age. So you’re 24…(at the risk of sounding like a condescending old fart at the ripe old age of 42), you’re still a kid! LOL.
I just realized, this year I’m The Answer!!