I bought an espresso at Starbucks at Union Station on my way home the other day. I walked in and asked for a “double espresso.” I even said “please”, as I recall.
“A doppio,” the woman at the counter responded.
Let me clarify at this point, lest I seem totally insane to the reader, that she was not confirming my order. She was correcting me. She leaned ever so slightly forward over the counter, raised her eyebrows, lowered her voice a bit and said “a doppio,” as if to indicate, “This is Starbucks, sir, and I don’t know what wagon you just fell off the back of, but here we use bullshit faux-Italian names for everything. You want a large coffee instead? We call it a ‘twenty’ for some idiotic reason and you’d better play along or you’re not getting squat.”
There followed a slight pause during which she apparently expected me to repeat the correct name of the beverage, signifying my understanding. She seemed a little disappointed when all she got from me was $2 for the espresso.
OK, maybe this description of the whole exchange does make me sound totally crazy. But this is not the first time this exact exchange has happened to me at a Starbucks. I am obstinate in my ordering of a “double espresso,” and the staff are generally not capable of shutting up and making me the drink I ordered without seeking to further my education in the realm of faux-Italian bullshit. Screw you guys. “Espresso” is perfectly valid Italian, and drink names should be nouns, not adjectives. I’m not going to play like I’m a freaking non-alcoholic Italian version of Philip Marlowe sidling up to the coffee cart and slipping the barista a five while I ask for a “doppio” without specifying any nouns.
The only reason this annoys me as much as it does is that Starbucks is such a manufactured experience. If you order chicken nuggets at McDonalds, nobody leans over the counter and explains how we call them McNuggets here. They would never be that pretentious.
As another example, the Cuban cafe on the corner of my street likes to call their espresso “colada.” I am perfectly happy to play along with this because they are actually Cuban and that’s what they call it. More power to them.
Starbucks can get bent.
3 Comments
If starbucks doesn’t want to call espresso espresso, they should stop putting the word espresso into their dumbass drink names. I recall one of the holiday drinks this year was something like super espresso mochalicious frappucino. I also recall that every single printed menu at starbucks says espresso rather than doppio. I also recall that I’ve seen a blackboard at starbucks misspell espresso as expresso. The pretention is undeserved.
Besides doppio might just be the dopiest word I’ve heard.
mmm… espresso.
I think you should sue. Burger King had a ham sandwich called a “Yumbo” in the 70′s. Someone sued because he was denied service when he ordered a “ham sandwich” rather than a “Yumbo”. The cashier refused to place the order and he refused to say something as silly as “Yumbo”. As I recall the ACLU took his case. Probably out there on the internet somewhere.
Oh yeah, and the Yumbo was fantastic – Sliced ham on a bun with hot melted American cheese. White guy soul food.
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