Aug 07 2008
Accepting Criticism
I saw a counselor once who bemoaned the state of education and psychological health because it encouraged people to attach their egos to the things they undertook. She was just beginning piano lessons and she offered me this example.
If her teacher was concerned about her hurt feelings, they might tell her she did well on a piece where she made several mistakes. She would learn nothing from this experience, and the pride she took in doing well would be false.
If her teacher was honest and told her she made several mistakes and needed to practice more, she would take that criticism to heart. And she would learn to enjoy practicing her piece more than she enjoyed performing it perfectly.
The counselor said she was lucky, she had the teacher of the second example. But it got me thinking a lot because I am way too sensitive to criticism. Not criticism in a practical sense. If I do something at work and I screw up, I welcome criticism. I seek criticism. I want to make sure I am doing things properly. I apologize if I screw up and thank the person for correcting my mistake.
The problem is, I still have a lot of growing to do to be able to do that emotionally. It’s hard for me to have someone question or criticize my emotional being or personal behavior.
For example, this weekend a good friend and Michael both told me I’m a serial interrupter. Which I think is obnoxious behavior. So I tried to put out of my head, “oh no, I’m an awful, obnoxious person” and instead tried to think about why I find it so obnoxious. Obviously, if I’m interrupting people I’m not listening to what they’re saying and the underlying assertion is that what I’m saying or thinking is more important than what they’re saying or thinking. See, that really is obnoxious. But if I didn’t examine it, I wouldn’t know why I should stop. I would just feel bad about myself and get defensive. Which is unnecessary, since I was with two people who care about me deeply and have put up with far more obnoxious behavior from me on occasion.
But what do I do if someone I don’t know criticizes me? Maybe online, where it happens a lot. Some people get into fights trying to defend themselves. Honestly, I try to examine privately what gave them that impression in my writing if it’s not the impression I want to give. But most of the time, it’s just someone looking for another human being to pick apart. In which case, who gives a crap?
It’s not that easy for me to get to “who gives a crap?” but I do get there eventually. Because every day I do thousands of things. I walk, I workout, I eat, I sing, I drive, I read the paper, I drink a cup of black coffee… whatever. The fact of the matter is that anyone judging me on one of those activities isn’t judging me on myself. They’re judging me on one of those multitude of activities I do every day. Big deal.
When you think about it, it’s even less of a big deal if you enjoyed doing what you did. If I enjoy driving and someone behind me is flipping me off because I choose to drive the speed limit, that doesn’t reflect on me. My driving angers that person, and far be it from me to guess why but it doesn’t reflect on me. That person isn’t making a personal judgment, they’re just being themselves. I’m glad I don’t know them.
I think learning to accept criticism is probably the hardest thing any of us have to do. Learning to sort out what is or isn’t criticism, learning how to accept it gracefully even if it isn’t offered gracefully, learning to be secure in who we are and not attach our egos to the things we produce every day. I mean, I don’t attach ego to my poo every day, why should I attach it to a business call or a paper. If my doctor criticized my poo, I wouldn’t get offended. So if a teacher criticizes my paper, why should I be? If my husband criticizes my behavior, why should I be? Each of those people is looking at a final product and trying to help you make it your best.
It is hard to not think you’re perfect.
Also, most people who think they can accept criticism do not appreciate the difference between “accept” and “ignore.”
Are you talking about me? *bites fist and makes Homer Simpson groan*
I think we all have to know which criticism to ignore and which to pay attention to. Some criticism should be ignored. The criticism you get at work or from loved ones should absolutely be thought about, but some of it may or may not be valid, either. Anyone whose been in a bordering-on-emotional-abuse relationship understands the role that criticism takes in keeping them there.
No, I was talking about me more than anybody.
But you suck anyway.
oh, but you actually ARE perfect.