Kara & Michael’s Blog

Anyone who is pro-ana.  Walk away right now, because I know you’re just going to throw a fit about how no one understands you and how you have every right to do what you want to your own body.  You’re right, you do. But don’t think for a minute that the way you take care of yourself doesn’t impact your family, friends, spouses and people who love you.

I stumbled onto a community for plus-size people who want to lose weight by utilizing anorexic and bulimic methods. Namely, eating a few hundred calories a day, binging and purging, etc.  It made me angry and sad.

I’ve been fat my whole life.  And I’ve gone through periods where I ate a few hundred calories a day and then binged and then hated myself and went back to eating a few hundred calories a day. I know the burst of pleasure you can get from denying yourself food, especially when you’re constantly thinking to yourself, “My life would be better if I was skinny.”

It’s not just “my life would be better”, it’s “My life would be perfect if I was skinny.”  I would sit and fantasize about how tiny I would be and how guys would fall all over me, and how confident and happy I would be automatically. As soon as I was skinny.

What a crock. Was I happier when I was thinner?  Yes - but it wasn’t because I was thin (I never was). It was because I was working out and eating well. I could go to the gym and lift weights surrounded by guys and not be self-conscious. I could race people and beat them in sprints. I was more confident, but I was more confident because my body was my friend.  I wasn’t skinny, I didn’t look the way I did in my fantasies, but my life was still amazing.

I understand why people think being skinny will make their lives better.  Attractive people do better in the world, and we all have to live in the world. But I also understand that people don’t choose to deny themselves food just because they want to be skinny. They do it to satisfy some emotional hole. And that is always the path that leads to destruction.

I lived on a few hundred calories to deny myself because it made me feel strong. It went hand-in-hand with behaviors like cutting and pulling out my hair. I did it to prove something to myself. And when I inevitably binged, it reminded me how weak and worthless I was. That’s why people with anorexia or bulimia are never happy - every day is a struggle between proving yourself and your own perceived worthlessness biting you in the ass. Trust me - when you believe you are worthless it will always, always bite you in the ass. Which means that no matter how skinny you get, you will never believe you’re skinny enough because you’re still miserable because you haven’t approached the real problem, which is this: you don’t believe in your own worth.

The antithesis of the pro-ana crowd are the plus-size crowd who think it’s okay to be heavy and that the medical impacts are over-emphasized.  I don’t like those people any more than the pro-ana crowd. Encouraging people to gain weight or stay at the same weight when they probably have bad habits is a terrible idea.  There’s not enough of a middle ground out there.  So let me establish it - your weight should never be attached to your ego. You shouldn’t be concerned with losing weight, but with establishing good emotional and physical habits for yourself. Forget everything else. Being fat doesn’t make you worthwhile or worthless. It makes you fat.

For the pro-ana and anti-diet crowds, I’ve lost 14.5 pounds while on slim-fast, as of today. I didn’t lose that by doing anything more than limiting my calories, choosing what to eat more carefully and getting more active. I can still go out to eat, I still eat sweets and carbs and deep fried onion rings sometimes. And I’m losing weight, anyway. Will I keep it off? It remains to be seen (heck, I’ve probably got another year or two of slow weight-loss ahead of me before I can think about maintaining). But honestly - the way I used to eat isn’t attractive to me anymore. I like my life, the way I cook and eat. And when I overdo it, I don’t feel awful or worthless.  I adjust my calories down just a bit for the next couple days and try to up my activity.

I would never be so presumptuous as to suggest everyone can or should do what I do. All I’m saying is if you choose a weight-loss program that puts your physical and emotional health at risk, you will never be happy - no matter how much weight you lose.

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