Jun 04 2008
Prayer Rug Nonsense
Dear St. Matthew’s Church,
It was with great interest that I read your recent letter inviting me to use and return your “prayer rug.” As a holy man myself, I’m writing to tell you of my experience with the prayer rug.
Since you referred to the rug variously as a “Holy Ghost, Bible Prayer Rug”; a “Church Ministry, Prayer Rug”; a “Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug”; and a “Church, Faith, Prayer Rug”; it was clear that this rug was nothing to be toyed with. No mere piece of paper, that is for certain! Indeed, as you had written on the back of the rug, it was “soaked with the power of prayer.” I could literally feel the prayer seeping into my hands. As I knelt, I prayed that your ministry would be enlightened by God as to the proper use of commas.
Then, as I stared at the prayer rug as you directed, I did indeed see the eyes of Our Lord and Savior opening before me, though I do not claim to know whether this was due to a bona fide miracle or to the eyes you had drawn ever so faintly on His eyelids.
In accordance with the instructions in your letter, I am writing to let you know that I would indeed like to be blessed with A Home To Call My Own, A New Car, and A Better Job. In response to your offer to “Pray for God to bless me with this amount of money: $______”, I would like to request to receive eleventy billion dollars from God. I hope this is not too ambitious, but I know that if He can microwave a burrito so hot that He Himself cannot eat it, then certainly He can bless me with eleventy billion dollars.
I would also like to take you up on your offer for a “Deuteronomy 8:18 Prosperity Cross, Blessed for Me by the Church.” Your church must truly have a special relationship with the Almighty, for never have I seen Him be so thoroughly concerned with the financial well-being of a flock.
Unfortunately, I will not be making a “seed gift” to your church as you requested, as my religion forbids me to deal with shysters1. On this subject I direct your founder–the apparent recipient of these seed gifts, since your church performs no charitable work of any kind–to Matthew 19:23-24, penned by the very man after whom your church styles itself.
Let us pray.
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz?
Amen.
Yours in “Bob”,
Rev. Dr. M. Proctor
Church of the SubGenius
1 - Except for “Bob”, of course.
There’s a special smart ass wing in Hell you know….
As long as it’s next to the shyster wing, I shall spend eternity in a constant state of amusement.
See, here’s why I trust “Bob”. He has guaranteed me salvation or triple my money back. No other church values their customers enough to make guarantees like that… just shady business practices in my opinion.