May 02 2008
A Marriage Rant
I read an article on alternet.org about avoiding marriage. I write short declarative sentences.
I disagreed with it. As I often do.
I see this sentiment everywhere: how does one maintain individuality within a marriage?
The short answer: You don’t, at least, not in so many words.
But what I mean is this – at some point, we all have to realize that our sense of individuality is a sham. We are, as people, entirely unable to see ourselves realistically. It’s only through our relationships with others that we see our strengths, our weaknesses and gather a whole picture of ourselves.
And when we have that picture, we can think about what we want from our lives, how we want to live in a way that emphasizes our strengths and allows us to work on our weaknesses in order to lead a more fulfilling life.
Maybe it’s not fair for me to say all this. I went through most of my life adamant that I would not be married and I would not have kids. It’s not that I didn’t want to, just that I didn’t believe those paths were right for me. I expected to live and die alone, expected it to be a miserable series of events of failures and I have not been able to shake that expectation entirely.
But I believe, wholeheartedly – not in the institution of marriage but in the sanctity of the bonds between people. The choice to “marry” someone (not in a legal sense), in essence to place them above yourself in exchange for the same from them, is a trying one. I have described my marriage to many people as the single most difficult road I’ve traveled. But it is also rewarding and comforting. I have given up what I thought of as my own “individuality” in favor of a more complete image of myself, a clearer view for what I want in my life, and the chance to be part of something bigger than myself. I’ve been in relationships that didn’t afford me these same opportunities, and I’m not saying every marriage will be this way or even that you have to get married to have the same opportunity.
A fifty percent divorce rate is essentially meaningless when it comes to considering your own path. Plenty of those people chose to remarry. Something draws people into marriages, and it’s not just social expectations or their own fears or the prospect of having children. There is something deeply spiritual and rewarding about forsaking your ego for someone else.
The lack of people willing to appreciate that fact – that sacrificing your “individuality” can lead to something greater – makes me sad. The ability to think of someone else before yourself leads to pretty much everything worthwhile in the entire universe.