Kara & Michael’s Blog

Kara’s Review

1. Summarize the plot in one sentence. Someone thought a comic remake of the movie 300 was a good idea and, unfortunately, America proved that person right this weekend.
2. Who would you take to see this movie? Explain. I’ll tell you who I wouldn’t take instead: my 7 year old kid. For the love of all that is holy, why do parents think taking their 7 year old kid to this movie is a good idea? Yes, they have the under-developed wit needed to find this movie funny, but that does not mean it’s appropriate to take them.
3. What impressed you most about this movie? They didn’t try to stretch it to an hour and a half.
4. What disappointed you most about this movie? That it was the top movie this weekend. American cinema - please tell me we can do better.
5. One person involved in the production of the film must be given a prestigious award, and one person must be cast into an active volcano. Who should receive each of these fates and why? I want to throw whoever provided the coin for this movie into the volcano. There is not one aspect of this movie for which a prestigious award could be given - the acting isn’t good, the camerawork is awful, the scenes are poorly constructed. It’s just bad.
6. Under what circumstances would you watch this film again? One day, when I’m very old and I lose my hearing and my sight, I wouldn’t be opposed to watching this film. Of course, I wouldn’t be conscious of watching it.

Michael’s Review

1. Summarize the plot in one sentence. In an extended parody of 300, the Spartans fight two battles against the Persians, which wouldn’t take 84 minutes if it wasn’t crammed with stupid pop culture references and crude, unfunny jokes — and if it didn’t contain nearly 20 minutes of closing credits.
2. Who would you take to see this movie? Explain. There is not a person alive on whom I would wish this movie. I like to consider myself a pacifist.
3. What impressed you most about this movie? I enjoyed the ending sequence, where the entire cast joined in a rousing, choreographed rendition of “I Will Survive.” I enjoyed it partly because it reminded me of the musical ending to Blazing Saddles, but mostly because it meant the movie was over.
4. What disappointed you most about this movie? I thought I knew what I was getting into when I bought the ticket for this movie. The ads and previews have sold it as the annual pop-culture parody, so I expected an utterly disposable film — and yet, I was still surprised by just how bad this movie is. It’s the only thing the movie does consistently: badness. But I’m not answering the question here, am I? OK, I would say that my disappointment peaked during the first scene in which the Spartans are on the move, when it became apparent that the entire film had been shot on a soundstage. We’re not talking about a good soundstage, either — props and backgrounds were so atrociously constructed that I was reminded of the third season of Star Trek. You know, the one where they ran out of money. Despite easily being the funniest thing about the film, the filmmakers never played the poor production value for humorous purposes.
5. One person involved in the production of the film must be given a prestigious award, and one person must be cast into an active volcano. Who should receive each of these fates and why? I know I have to actually answer this question, but let me make something clear first: There is not a volcano in the world large enough for this film. Everything about it is horrible. The jokes are unfunny, the pop culture references are banal (the film insults the audience repeatedly by explaining said banal references), the endlessly repeated gay jokes are such straight-faced grade school material that it’s actually embarrassing, and the pacing is torturous. I normally enjoy bad films — I’m frequently the only person in the theater laughing during the latest horror film — but there is nothing to enjoy here. As an example, this film contains, in no particular order: extensive footage of a grown man beating a small child, a Sanjaya Malakar impersonator, a long and unfunny “Yo Momma” battle, and not one but three pixelated celebrity crotches. The rub, however, is that the audience in our theater thought each of the things I just listed was uproariously funny. So writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer each deserve an award for knowing exactly what makes teenaged American boys laugh (to the tune of $18 million over opening weekend). Since I can only give the award to one of them, I would have to flip a coin. I would then invite the winner to a gala awards show — at the rim of a volcano.
6. Under what circumstances would you watch this film again? None.

Ratings

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