Kara & Michael’s Blog

WoDM likes to point out that Tchaikovsky liked the Nutcracker least out of all the ballets he composed. I don’t like xmas music, mostly, but nothing brings to the forefront my most cherished holiday memories more than The Nutcracker.

I don’t know what pulls me so strongly to the Nutcracker, but I have a few ideas. When I was in first grade (the grade also famous for my beloved job of flipping the music record we listened to when we colored), they showed us a grainy video of The Nutcracker. I sat far from the screen, saw almost none of the action, but heard the girl’s name, Clara. I thought it was my name at first, then I was just excited that our names rhymed. Maybe that’s why I related to it. They also took our class to see the ballet in Baltimore, or Washington, DC – some big confusing city I had never really been in before. We sat in uncomfortable seats, and of course the boys were agitated the whole time, but despite those distractions, I was mesmerized. Maybe because it was my first experience seeing something on stage. Maybe because I related to the main character on the basis of our rhyming names. (Can kids still go see the Nutcracker? Is that allowed in this PC-world?)

Maybe I just liked it because I wanted to be a ballerina most of all when I was little. I pranced and jumped around the house, but never asked for lessons or classes because I operated under the assumption that my family was too poor to afford lessons (looking back, I don’t believe that was true, but it was part of the fabric I grew up with).

I went to see one of my best friends in the Nutcracker for many years when she took ballet. It was something fun I got to go out and do without my parents. Besides, it’s always fun to see a friend perform – whether it’s a ballet or a concert.

To my credit, I attempted not to subject my family or ex-bf to The Nutcracker too much. It’s something I like to watch on tv in the early morning or late at night, by myself. I sit on the floor and stare up at the screen, as if I were still a child, still in that first grade class, still sitting on the nubby rug in the darkened room. It’s not the same as watching it on stage, but it appeals more to my childhood fantasies. I like to picture Mikhail Baryshnikov as the Nutcracker (I do, in fact, have a version of The Nutcracker with him in that role, I believe) and imagine myself as Clara. This is not an elaborate sexual fantasy, it’s much more innocent than that. I want to stand up and run around the house with the symphony blaring and do all the ballet positions and practices I learned in Modern Dance at college. I watch The Nutcracker and I think about all the dreams I had as a kid – to be a ballerina, a singer, a writer – and one of them comes true, if only in my head, if only for a half hour.

When I was 17 or so, I went to awful family party with people I had never met on my mom’s side. It was boring and everyone wanted to ask about college, SAT scores, my intended major – stuff I didn’t think about and didn’t want to define me. An older Italian woman (my mother’s family is almost all Italian) came over, she was distantly related or a friend of the family, but I don’t remember which. She said to me, “You’re beautiful. You look like a ballerina.” and then she talked about how she used to dance in Italy. It remains, to this day, among the sweetest things anyone has said to me. And was certainly the highlight of that party for me.

The point is, I’m so getting tickets to see a low-key production this year. I like to see the non-professional productions – not only are they cheaper but they remind me more of the things I love about The Nutcracker.

K.

The contents of this blog entry may not reflect the views of the Webmaster of Doom, Michael.