Kara & Michael’s Blog

Welcome to our website, loyal customer. It is our pleasure to provide you with the finest in quick-service dining at affordable prices. Our website is an extension of our quality commitment to you, an easy way for you to obtain whatever information you require about our company or products.

You may have noticed that our website is one enormous goddamn Flash object. This is the result of our corporate commitment to irritating you as much as possible. Even though the page you are looking for (nutrition information) is a plain HTML page, you will need to follow these steps to find that page on our site:

1. Attempt to access our website via http://www.anonymousfastfoodcompany.com using Konqueror, a mature, standards-compliant web browser.
2. Notice that the page returned is nothing but an HTML frame around a giant Flash object, with no links or other hints of accessibility of any kind.
3. Become very angry, because it is difficult to use proprietary 32-bit browser plugins on your pure 64-bit platform.
4. Install Firefox and nspluginwrapper from your operating system’s package repositories.
5. Visit Adobe’s Flash plugin website and download the plugin. Set up the plugin with nspluginwrapper, requiring four steps which have been omitted.
6. Start Firefox and navigate to our website.
7. Wait for our enormous goddamn Flash object to load and provide you with frenetic, in-your-face images of our most recent permutations of the same twelve ingredients, with names like CHILI CHEESE NACHO STEAK FIESTA F—ING EXTREME BURRITO (may contain lettuce).
8. Locate and press the button in the top right corner of the screen to stop the obnoxious background music which has begun playing without your consent.
9. Click the button that says “Nutrition Guide.”
10. Notice that you are presented with several options, the first two of which are “Menu Items” and “Nutrition Calculator.” Choose “Menu Items” under the assumption that it will take you to nutrition information for various menu items.
11. Discover that the top option (”Menu Items”) in fact takes you to a page with physical descriptions of each menu item, navigating away from the Nutrition Guide section entirely.
12. Accidentally click your browser’s “Back” button, taking you away from the Flash object and thus the entire site.
13. Swear loudly.
14. Click the “Forward” button, returning you to the site.
15. Stop the background music again.
16. Click “Nutrition Guide” again.
17. Click “Nutrition Calculator” this time.
18. Find yourself outside of the Flash maze, at a regular HTML page that uses fairly benign JavaScript magic to provide nutrition totals for various combinations of our food. Bookmark the page for future use.
19. Finally discover that a seven-layer burrito has 490 Calories.

We hope that documenting these steps will enhance your experience of using our website in the future. Should you have any questions or concerns, please return to our giant Flash object, click “Contact Us”, enter your date of birth in a series of three drop-down boxes to comply with COPPA regulations, click the “Enter” button, and fill out the tangled web-based contact form, which is clearly not designed to accept website feedback of any kind since “Restaurant phone number” is a required field.

Thank you!

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