Kara & Michael’s Blog

I really like the idea of RFID road toll collection. It gets rid of the need for people to stand in little booths at all hours of the day to take your money $1.75 at a time. Unfortunately, the implementation on the east coast of the US, in the form of E-ZPass^®, has sucked. They haven’t really removed any regular toll lanes–there are still 2 E-ZPass lanes and 5 or 10 cash lanes on most roads–and the state governments that administer the program seem to be going out of their way to make a good thing suck for everyone.

Maryland recently decided that they needed to charge a $1.50 monthly “account maintenance fee” to all E-ZPass account holders. They are not the first state to do this. On top of the $25 deposit I’ve already put down to cover the cost of the device, it apparently costs them $18 per customer per year more to run unmanned toll collection lanes than to pay a person to stand in a little booth. I don’t buy it, especially because toll collectors are state employees that make upwards of $12 an hour.

Anyway, the change from charging no fee to charging the highest fee of any state that administers an E-ZPass program has predictably caused a mass exodus of customers. There are a lot of people who are willing to put down a deposit and place a device in their car to save themselves and the state a little bit of time, but the subset of those people who are willing to pay $18 a year for the privilege, on top of regular toll rates, is (surprise!) much lower.

But here’s where it really starts to suck: I submitted a ticket online to have my account closed, oh, about two weeks ago. Despite a friendly automated email message saying my request would be processed within “5 business days”, nothing happened. So a week ago I started calling. I called the customer service number probably 100 times over the course of a week, and every time I got a busy signal. People are so busy closing their E-ZPass accounts that the state is not capable of closing accounts fast enough.

Today is the last day before the account maintenance fee takes effect. In an act of desperation I set Google Voice to redial the customer service number repeatedly until it was no longer busy. I sat listening to Google Voice’s ring for about 10 minutes, then sat in Maryland E-ZPass’s hold queue for another 5 minutes, and then was finally graced with 30 seconds of surly human contact — the first time I’ve ever required human interaction to manage my E-ZPass account, as a matter of fact. My account is finally closed, but I don’t know how many people are going to get charged a fee simply because Maryland isn’t capable of dealing with the attrition they’ve brought on.

Maryland, your E-ZPass system sucks and driving people away from it is mindbendingly illogical. Surely the system is most expensive to operate if no one uses it.

Somewhere out there some contractor is getting rich.

I fancy James May. This is the explanation for how one of my birthday gifts this year was the series Oz and James’s Big Wine Adventure. If you’re like me, you’ve never heard of this show. If you’re like me, you also somehow have a magical dvd player that can play dvds from region whatever and do the conversion from whatsohooey to whatsavich so that you can watch the dvds on your good, old American telly, which was probably actually made in Hong Kong.

Anyway, it’s a really good show. Really.

Some shows are made by characters - every Gordon Ramsay show ever is based on his personality, and little else. This show is made by the way Oz Clarke and James May interact. Oz is serious, eager, interested. James is lazy and bored, but ultimately a pretty smart guy who picks up on Oz’s teachings pretty quickly. Oz brings out a student in James and James brings out the goofy in Oz. And they play off each other so well and have so much fun that it’s actually fun to watch the dvds.

And, I’ll be danged if I didn’t learn a thing or two from the dvds. Or twenty. I’m a smarter wine drinker, and given how much wine I drank while watching the dvds, I like wine a lot better now.

The third season, Oz and James Drink to Britain, is the funniest and focuses less on learning and more on drinking, but you’ll still learn a thing or two about beer, scotch, and Oz’s Irish roots. Unless you’re drunk midway-through, like me.

I don’t like Ben Stein. I think he is evil, or at least unsavory. And Comcast now has these commercials with Shaq and him, where Stein says, “I know about money, because I’m an economist.”

And I guffaw. That’s right, I said “guffaw.” Because it seems to me if Ben Stein knew about money he’d probably find something else to do with his undeniable intelligence than commercials with Shaq or for dry, red eyes. Of course, maybe he has no money because he spent it all, making a biased, creationist, masquerading-as-science movie.

PS. Wearing sneakers with a suit is not endearing or fashionable.

Attention all people wearing Crocs:

You look stupid. Really, really stupid. You look like someone who spent $20 on an ugly, non-functional pair of shoes that occasionally leads to horrific escalator-related maimings. Oh, wait, you are someone like that.

Seriously, your shoes look stupid. Especially the new ones with the faux-fur inner lining that look like a cross between Crocs and fuzzy slippers. I can’t believe I’ve actually seen people wearing these in public. Even people on Yahoo! Answers, who are the second most stupid group of people on the Internet, are aware that these shoes are dumb.

Please stop. Unless you are at least as awesome as Mario Batali, just stop.

About a year ago, I bought a Flat Fold Colander, which you can see Cathy Mitchell pitching on TV here. It was a good purchase, because it was six bucks, it performs as advertised, and it hasn’t broken yet.

But I am not here to extol the virtues of the Flat Fold Colander, diverse though they may be. I am here to tell you about Haband, probably the most hilarious company I have ever dealt with. Not in a good way.

Haband (or as they sometimes style themselves, “Haband!”) is a mail-order business that apparently caters exclusively to the–*ahem*–aged, particularly those who have lost their sense of dress and/or eyesight. Most of what they sell is clothes, but there’s always an assortment of other random crap on offer, which happened to include the Flat Fold Colander when I was in the market for one. Seriously, take a look at some of the fine men’s and women’s fashions on their website if you don’t believe me. They’re hideous. Everything is made of polyester twill and elastic. Mostly elastic. The products are apparently also poorly made, as evidenced by Haband’s hard-earned one-and-a-half-star rating on Epinions.

Anyway, ever since buying the colander from them, I’ve been receiving in the mail every month or two a small stack of slick fliers–like a Valpak coupon mailer–each advertising a different new product from Haband. These mailers are pure hilarity and I strongly advise you to get on their mailing list in any way possible. This month’s, however, takes the cake. Nestled among the fliers was this letter, personally addressed to me by Mr. Duke Habernickel, proprietor:

My Distinguished Friend,

As any man worthy of great esteem (like yourself) knows, the absolute best purveyors of goods and services often present their customers with a lavish, eye-catching set of “Thank You” gifts. Superior, top-of-the-line benefits that even the most discerning of tastes will appreciate and enjoy. An Executive Pen, for example. An International Chronographic Classic Watch perhaps. Even a High-Quality Glove Soft Wallet.

Just recently I have secured a limited amount of these elegant kinds of Gift Sets for a few of my favorite Haband Customers, & You Sir, Have Been Chosen among them! Nothing would make me happier than to send you one of these incredible Gift Sets, which their skilled manufacturer suggests is an $80 VALUE!

Each three-piece set is crafted with care and precision by Black Diamond™, a name with which you are no doubt already familiar. You get a handsome, quartz-accurate Classic Wristwatch that is the very embodiment of luxury. One glance at this Black Diamond™ Wristwatch and your friends are all sure to wonder if you have recently been honored by the Chamber of Commerce and why they weren’t invited to the ceremony! But that’s not all, my friend.

You will also receive the lavish Black Diamond™ Executive Pen that writes smooth & fits comfortably in your hand. And the Black Diamond™ Glove Soft Bi-Fold Wallet to store the massive fortune you have saved doing business with yours truly!

Oh, the letter brings tears to my eyes. It rivals promotional materials from American Express in terms of sheer pomposity. Needless to say, the company “with which I am no doubt already familiar” doesn’t exist at all. The gifts look incredibly cheap even in their doctored photos. My favorite thing, though, is the tagline for the wristwatch. I can just imagine the conversations:

Me: Bob, have you seen my new Black Diamond™ Wristwatch?
Bob: No. (raises eyebrows) Wow Michael, what a luxurious watch. Why was I not invited to the ceremony when you were honored by the Chamber of Commerce, which is the only way I can imagine you having obtained such a watch?
Me: Because you suck, Bob!
Bob: (silence)
Me: Ahahahahahaaaa!
Bob: Nooooooooo!

Ahem. Sorry. The whole “Chamber of Commerce” bit is repeated on the coupon I’m supposed to send in with my order to receive my fabulous free gifts, so the folks at Haband are clearly quite proud of that piece of wordsmithing. Speaking of wordsmithing, this was also included in my mailer this month:

Good Friends Share Only the Best News! And that’s what we are sharing with you today, some very Good News! In the near future it is possible that one of our “partner companies,” also considered like yourself, close friends of Haband, may be contacting you via phone with great offers and discounts that could benefit your everyday life. You have every option to take advantage of these offers and save a lot of money!

Y’know, on second thought, maybe you shouldn’t go get yourself added to Haband’s mailing list.

Kara and I went to see Robyn Hitchcock again on Thursday, the first time he’s been in our area since the Birchmere last year. Robyn was amazing, as always, but the venue (the Black Cat in DC) sucked. We bought tickets for “Robyn Hitchcock and the Venus 3 8:00pm,” but it ended up being doors at 8:00pm, undeclared lame opening act at 9:00pm, and Robyn at 10:20pm. Since it was a weeknight and we had taken Metrorail to the club, we and several other concertgoers were forced to leave after an hour and 15 minutes in order to catch the last train. This makes me a sad panda, because I missed the encore that likely included some solo songs — my favorite parts.

Anyway, I could go on about how fantastic Robyn Hitchcock is, but we’ve already covered that here before. I just hope he never plays the Black Cat again.

Now that my complaining is out of the way, the real reason I’m writing this post is to provide correct lyrics for the refrain of the song “TLC” from “Goodnight Oslo.” The lyrics that are floating around online didn’t seem quite right to me, and after much Googling I finally dug up the correct drug names. It’s more difficult than you might think, since the names are brand names for medications sold in the UK in the 1960s and medicine brand names have a fairly short half-life.

Anyway, the correct lyric is:

Tryptizol (amitriptyline)
Librium (chlordiazepoxide)
Carbrital (phenobarbital and carbromal)

In particular, it’s Carbrital, not Carbitol. Some people online are hearing “Carbitol,” which is some kind of solvent and not a drug. Besides, I heard Robyn sing this song live and he definitely does not say “Carbitol.”

If you haven’t heard “Goodnight Oslo” and this sounds like complete gibberish, now would be a great time to go listen to the album.

When you go to a friend’s place for dinner, how do they greet you? Are they standing looking bored at a counter, or are they engaged - in the kitchen attending to food or at the bar chatting with other friends? Do they call out hello when they see you? Do they remember how you take your coffee?

Walking into That Cuban Place is like visiting a friend. They might be in the kitchen, in which case you might need to lean over the bar and say hello. But they’ll remember your face and even your order if you’re in often enough.

First of all, the cafe is on the corner of Market and 3rd Streets, but let the luminous orange of their sign and the rhythm of the music draw you in. Maybe you want to start off simple, an espresso and a pastry. The guava pastry is very good, a sweet tropical flavor not usually found in pastries. The espresso is sweetened, and strong, the perfect afternoon pick-me-up. If you’re in a dessert mood, they’re all homemade there. The cakes are good, but the flan is very nice, more creamy than gelatinous.

The entrees there were nothing special, at least, not for the price (12-15 dollars). The ropa vieja was good, plenty of meat, thin onions and green peas, but Michael was a bit disappointed in his chicken dish. Since were cheap, we haven’t tried all of the entrees on offer. My personal advice is to skip the entrees in favor of the sandwiches, which are fantastic. The Cuban Sandwich is made on homemade bread, and is thick with pulled pork and swiss cheese. The pork here is really a standout, and they don’t skimp on it.

Michael also recommends the Jamaican hand pies stuffed with meat and veggies, which he says are filling and cheap.

There are plenty of specialty sodas, if you’re into that sort of thing, as well. I’ve spotted sugar cane juice, ginger beer and papaya juice among the cokes and dr. pepper’s in their fridge.

Downtown Frederick is rich with restaurants, but none offer the unique experience of That Cuban Place. From the friendliness of the employees, to the variety of food (they offer breakfast all day in addition to entrees and sandwiches), to the home-y atmosphere that invites you to sit down and talk to the people around you as well as those in your party, to the music that makes people on the streets dance as they walk by - That Cuban Place offers an inviting and comfortable stay. The trick is getting the people who dance by to stop in and taste all that they have to offer.

*Or why I love The Common Market in Frederick, MD.

Like most people, Michael and I are looking for ways to cut costs. We called our current cable company and ended up getting a reduced rate for the same services when we said we wanted to cut services. We’re trying to stop eating out entirely, a concept which is dying hard, so far. We’re limiting our entertainment spending.

So far, though, we haven’t touched the grocery budget. It’s not like we’re not debating it. But I love my organic food, and especially the co-op where we shop. Here are my reasons for eating organic.

1. Pure pretension. I’m pretentious. I want to shop at a little co-op where cute little indie kids work and where I can get cheese with vegetarian rennet. I want to shop at a place that isn’t a chain, a place that is rarely crowded, a place where quality matters and price is sacrificed.

2. The produce looks better. I get more excited about eating my veggies when they look pretty. The selection of produce is limited (they frequently run out of bananas, for example) but that’s a good thing, to me. It means they try to stock in season and produce isn’t sitting on the shelf forever. The produce I get is fresh, in season, and lasts longer. Besides - they stock three kinds of kale. THREE! I don’t even like Kale and that excites me.

3. Vegan/Vegetarian food. Oh hi, want a vegan frozen dinner? Want non-dairy milk that isn’t soy or rice? Want a pre-made vegan potato salad? Since we cook mostly vegan at home, all of those things are important to us.

4. Eco-friendly cleaning products. Bigger selection, better prices.

5. To support friendly business practices. Organic costs more because it’s not as popular yet. I’m willing to support it until I’m no longer financially able because I believe in it, so to speak. I think it helps the environment, I think it’s healthier for me, I think it’s responsible. I can get local produce year-round at the co-op, and they aim to help the local community in other ways, as well. All of that matters.

I’ve written at length about sex education and contraception on this blog, mostly because it’s a subject I’ve done extensive research on. Which is why I get extraordinarily annoyed with the public discussion which events like the Pope’s recent comments bring about. The latest assertions that make me angry:

1. Condoms don’t prevent all STDs. No one on the contraceptive side argues this. No one. Because condoms aren’t a fail-proof method to prevent STDs, they’re just better than not using condoms. STDs are also prevented through responsible sexual behavior, which includes contraception, honesty within your sexual relationship, being tested regularly for STDs  and limiting the number of partners you have. Any plan that doesn’t include education about contraceptives as part of a larger range of responsible sexual behavior is a plan that will fail.

2. If Condoms really work, why is herpes on the rise with American teens? The assertion here being two-fold: condoms lead to more sexual activity (provably false, earlier activity but more responsible activity has been shown across cultures, but not MORE activity). The second assertion is the first assertion again, that condoms are ineffective. Herpes is a particularly bad STD to judge the effectiveness of condoms because 1. condoms don’t limit skin to skin exposure of the herpes virus, and 2. herpes is often spread through oral sex, where condom usage is less popular.

Furthermore, any discussion of trends in America is divided broadly by region and culture - any assertion based on a national trend belies the complicated nature of life in America.

If you wonder why I keep bringing all of this up, it seems timely to me not just because of the Pope’s remarks, which were expectedly clueless, but also because HIV infection rates in Washington, DC (locally) are on the rise, a depressing fact. The solution lies in a comprehensive approach, as always. Like I said above, responsible sexual behavior entails prevention, testing and treatment. It requires a changing of cultural attitudes as well as personal behavior. It’s not a simple problem, and the solution is not as simple as strapping on a condom. People who over-simplify the pro-condom position (an awful term, I apologize) irritate me because they ignore that comprehensive education entails a lot more than dropping loads of condoms in the middle of an HIV heavy population. There is, in fact, no program that entails just dropping loads of condoms in the middle of any population because it wouldn’t work.

Not the stupid tv show. Not the hours in the day. Not the number of pimples on the average teen’s face. It’s my birthday, today. That’s how old I am.

When I think back over the years, I see lots of things. Mostly what I see is wasted time. Not on school or friends or tv or the hours I spent in my faux-goth youth listening to metal and reading Vonnegut. Nope, all those things were valuable.

I see mostly time wasted caring how I would appear, waiting for someone else to push me into action, years I spent stunting my personal growth because I chose to. All of this is easy to say now that I’m on some powerful meds that have helped make me able to function as a regular me.

My point is, my life is probably more than a quarter over with and I’m not sure I’ve been living the way I want to. That’s pretty lame. But it’s also entirely changeable. So onward, this is good news. I’ve not yet been struck dead.