Kara & Michael’s Blog

Kara and I have been a little wrapped up in ourselves the last month or two. I know at this juncture it’s customary to say “OMG so sry 4 not bloggin more LOL”, but I am far too classy for that.

We’ve been a little sparse here because we’ve been moving out of Frederick, where we’ve spent the past year, and back to the same patch of suburbia that we called home before moving to Frederick. I’ve also had the swine flu, which is not incredibly scary but is still totally lame if you have the kind of lungs it likes to eat.

Anyway, the past year has taught me a few things, which I’ll be brief about:

1. Living in a city is a romantic idea, but living two and a half hours away from work in a small city that really only functions as a suburb of DC is less romantic.
2. You should never ever rent an apartment from an individual that you don’t know personally, and if you or anyone you know are considering renting property in Frederick or Baltimore Counties from a couple named D. & E. C., you should probably email me first so I can tell you my horror stories. (I could complain about my landlord by name here without fear of being libelous, but that would be a trashy thing to do.)

Apologies 4 not postin aside, the real reason I’m posting today is to quote the following. It’s out of context, but that doesn’t really matter because it’s probably the weirdest single sentence I’ve ever read on Wikipedia:

In “Green Fire” (1998), a collaborative novella by Eileen Gunn, Michael Swanwick, Pat Murphy, and Andy Duncan, the science fiction writers Robert A. Heinlein, Isaac Asimov, and L. Sprague De Camp, along with Grace Hopper, take part in the Philadelphia Experiment, with the assistance of Nikola Tesla and the Aztec deity Quetzalcoatl.

Folks, it is my sad duty to report that the people of the state where I was born–Oklahoma–are morons.

I can’t help but hope that it hasn’t always been this way. The educational system in Oklahoma hasn’t ever been great, but they’ve occasionally done OK for a smallish state with a low per capita GDP. Heck, the white people that settled the state have to have been smart enough to stake a claim and survive the winters. And who can forget Will Parker’s humorous take on the modern wonders of Kansas City?

Wait, I’m getting confused.

In case you haven’t read about it elsewhere (I’m sure it will be news), public high school students in my native state were recently given a survey where they were asked to answer ten questions chosen at random from the battery of questions administered to applicants for naturalization. They do this sort of thing all the time all over the country, but Oklahoma’s results are truly shocking. Before we get into that, though, see how many of the ten you can answer correctly!

1. What is the supreme law of the land?
2. What do we call the first ten amendments to the Constitution?
3. What are the two parts of the U.S. Congress?
4. How many justices are on the Supreme Court?
5. Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
6. What ocean is on the East coast of the United States?
7. What are the two major political parties in the United States?
8. We elect a U.S. Senator for how many years?
9. Who was the first President of the United States?
10. Who is in charge of the Executive Branch?

How did you do? If you got six or more right, you’re eligible to become a naturalized citizen of the United States, and you’re less ignorant than 97.2 percent of Oklahoma high school students. That is not a typo. More importantly, of the 1000 students surveyed, only 6 could get seven questions right, and absolutely no one got eight or more.

I am not willing to cut the high school students much slack here. This is basic f’ing civics and these kids are still in school, so they should have an easier time than the average person. In case you’re wondering, here are the most common answers from Oklahoma high school students to the ten questions above:

1. Don’t know.
2. Don’t know.
3. Don’t know.
4. Don’t know.
5. Don’t know.
6. Atlantic.
7. Don’t know.
8. Don’t know.
9. George Washington.
10. Don’t know.

In some ways the above list makes things seem less horrible than they are. The slightly-less-common answers are filled with absurdities. 16% of students said the Declaration of Independence is the first ten amendments to the Constitution. 8% said that the two parts of the U.S. Congress are the President and Congress, which makes my head hurt. 24% said Abraham Lincoln wrote the Declaration of Independence.

Then there’s my personal favorite: 11% of students actually said that the two major political parties in the U.S. are the Republicans and the Communists. Eleven percent! More than one out of ten! These were not multiple choice questions, by the way. 88% of students don’t know how long a Senator’s term is, and even though George Washington was the most popular response to “Who was the first president”, he only got 23% of the vote, with the remainder going to such colorful responses as Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Franklin Roosevelt, John Adams, George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Richard Nixon, and John F. Kennedy.

If you’re looking for some depressing reading, check out the full report.

I said before that these studies get done all the time, and I want to reiterate that there are always “OMG OUR CHILDREN ARE STUPIDER THAN EVER” studies to be found. But this is the worst I have ever seen by a long shot, and it makes me angry to see all the ugly stereotypes that people throw around about the Plains validated. Oklahoma is full of the sort of people who harp on states’ rights. Should a state have the right to provide such piss-poor education that the new generation of residents is too stupid to participate in the democratic process?

And where are these people’s parents?

Here at 4d2 dot org, we get a lot of spam. Most of it I just flush out of the SpamAssassin quarantine, but sometimes one arrives that looks particularly amusing. This one is my new favorite.

UNITED STATE OF AMERICA
OFFICE OF THE SECETARY OF STATE
COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN PAYMENT
(RESOLUTION PANEL ON PAYMENT)
WASHINTON DC
UNITED STATE OF AMERICA

From The Desk Of The
UNITED STATE OF AMERICA
HILLARY CLINTON.

Attention:SIR/MADDAM

I wish to use this medium and my new office to inform you that your
CONTRACT/INHERITANCE Payment of USD$6m (SIX Million Dollars) from FEDERAL RESERVE
BANK NEW YORK have been RELEASED and APPROVED for onward transfer to you via an ATM
CARD which you will use to withdraw all the USD$6m in any ATM SERVICE MACHINE in any
part of the world, but the maximum you can withdraw in a day is USD$6000 Only

The UNITED STATE OF AMERICA government have mandated Bank Of England, to send you
the ATM CARD and PIN NUMBER with other relivant document from our government and
british government and the united nation,You are therefore advice to contact
director and the Head of ATM CARD Department of Bank Of England

Contact Person: Mr.Hoffman Okiri
Bank:BANK OF ENGLAND(LONDON)
Phone number: +447024035504
Fax: +442070600934
EMAIL: (mr.hoffmanokiri@sify.com)

Tell Mr.Hoffman Okiri that you received a message from the OFFICE OF THE SECETARY OF
STATE UNITED STATE OF AMERICA to send you the ATM CARD and PIN NUMBER AND ALL THE
DOCUMENT which you will use to withdraw your USD$6 Million Dollars,also send him
your direct phone number and contact address where you want him to send the ATM CARD
and PIN NUMBER to you BUT YOU WILL PAY FOR THE LITTLE INSURANCE AND SHIPMENT FEES
FOR DELIVARY.all the document regards to the release of the funds has been handed
over to Mr.Hoffman Okiri for delivary SO CONTACT HIM NOW FOR DELIVARY

We are very sorry for the plight you have gone through in the past years. Thanks for
adhering to this instruction and once again accept our congratulations.

Best Regards.

MRS. HILLARY CLINTON
OFFICE OF THE SECETARY OF STATE

Today I was looking through the most popular movies in various categories on Netflix’s website, trying to find new things to add to my queue. These are the 4 most popular “classic” films of all time according to Netflix’s data — which is pretty darn good, as data goes.

Surely I’m not the only person who thinks that one of these things is not like the others. Is this awesome or horrible? I can’t tell.

I know, I know. Isn’t this really old news? Don’t we all already know this?

The results of a new Rasmussen poll, released today, show that if the 2012 presidential election were held today between Barack Obama and Sarah Palin, 42% of Americans would vote for Sarah Palin. One wonders exactly why this poll was done this way, given that she’s resigned her gubernatorial post and may not be the most likely Republican candidate for 2012, but still: 42%.

I have only this to say in response: What the fuck, America?

Apparently 42% of us are not capable of understanding that this woman is an idiot. Not “idiot” as in “someone with whom I have serious ideological differences”, either. “Idiot” as in idiot. Stupid. Dim. Cretinous. I’m sure she’s a nice lady whom I’d really like in person but she shouldn’t be in charge of, well, anything. Certainly not a state or–God forbid–a country.

Consider George W. Bush. As president, he was kind of a funny guy. People like me, who thought his politics were kind of scary, liked to make fun of the way he talked because he wasn’t very good at it. He used words like “misunderestimated” and that made him look stupid. That was funny, because we all knew he wasn’t actually that dumb.

Unfortunately, the liberal-leaning folks made a tactical error in mocking Dubya, because the Republicans have now put someone forth as their sort-of-kind-of-leader who is actually stupid. Now it’s like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. She’s an idiot, but if anybody says anything they’ll look like an elitist or chauvinist.

I am prepared to take that risk. Sarah Palin is stupid, and you 42% who would even consider voting for someone that stupid should be ashamed of yourselves. This is not about politics or feminism, we’re not just making fun of her because she’s not a good speaker, and she doesn’t just look stupid because the media has portrayed her that way.

Just to review: She cannot name any Supreme Court cases other than Roe v. Wade¹. She cannot name a single magazine or newspaper which she reads. Alaska’s geographical proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience. She told a third grade class that the Vice President of the United States is in charge of the Senate. These things are not cute malapropisms and they have nothing to do with her political leanings. These things are just plain dumb.

What happened to Mike Huckabee? He scares me just as much as Sarah Palin from an ideological standpoint, but he seems like an intelligent human being and you have to admire his will. Why can’t he be the imaginary 2012 Republican candidate who probably won’t run anyway?

1 – Anyone who took middle school Civics in the U.S. should be able to come up with at least one of Brown v. Board of Education, Plessy v. Ferguson, or Marbury v. Madison. I would have also accepted “Dred Scott” from Mrs. Palin without expecting her to name the defendant. If you couldn’t name any of these, it’s OK: You’re not aspiring to national office.

I really like the idea of RFID road toll collection. It gets rid of the need for people to stand in little booths at all hours of the day to take your money $1.75 at a time. Unfortunately, the implementation on the east coast of the US, in the form of E-ZPass^®, has sucked. They haven’t really removed any regular toll lanes–there are still 2 E-ZPass lanes and 5 or 10 cash lanes on most roads–and the state governments that administer the program seem to be going out of their way to make a good thing suck for everyone.

Maryland recently decided that they needed to charge a $1.50 monthly “account maintenance fee” to all E-ZPass account holders. They are not the first state to do this. On top of the $25 deposit I’ve already put down to cover the cost of the device, it apparently costs them $18 per customer per year more to run unmanned toll collection lanes than to pay a person to stand in a little booth. I don’t buy it, especially because toll collectors are state employees that make upwards of $12 an hour.

Anyway, the change from charging no fee to charging the highest fee of any state that administers an E-ZPass program has predictably caused a mass exodus of customers. There are a lot of people who are willing to put down a deposit and place a device in their car to save themselves and the state a little bit of time, but the subset of those people who are willing to pay $18 a year for the privilege, on top of regular toll rates, is (surprise!) much lower.

But here’s where it really starts to suck: I submitted a ticket online to have my account closed, oh, about two weeks ago. Despite a friendly automated email message saying my request would be processed within “5 business days”, nothing happened. So a week ago I started calling. I called the customer service number probably 100 times over the course of a week, and every time I got a busy signal. People are so busy closing their E-ZPass accounts that the state is not capable of closing accounts fast enough.

Today is the last day before the account maintenance fee takes effect. In an act of desperation I set Google Voice to redial the customer service number repeatedly until it was no longer busy. I sat listening to Google Voice’s ring for about 10 minutes, then sat in Maryland E-ZPass’s hold queue for another 5 minutes, and then was finally graced with 30 seconds of surly human contact — the first time I’ve ever required human interaction to manage my E-ZPass account, as a matter of fact. My account is finally closed, but I don’t know how many people are going to get charged a fee simply because Maryland isn’t capable of dealing with the attrition they’ve brought on.

Maryland, your E-ZPass system sucks and driving people away from it is mindbendingly illogical. Surely the system is most expensive to operate if no one uses it.

Somewhere out there some contractor is getting rich.

I fancy James May. This is the explanation for how one of my birthday gifts this year was the series Oz and James’s Big Wine Adventure. If you’re like me, you’ve never heard of this show. If you’re like me, you also somehow have a magical dvd player that can play dvds from region whatever and do the conversion from whatsohooey to whatsavich so that you can watch the dvds on your good, old American telly, which was probably actually made in Hong Kong.

Anyway, it’s a really good show. Really.

Some shows are made by characters – every Gordon Ramsay show ever is based on his personality, and little else. This show is made by the way Oz Clarke and James May interact. Oz is serious, eager, interested. James is lazy and bored, but ultimately a pretty smart guy who picks up on Oz’s teachings pretty quickly. Oz brings out a student in James and James brings out the goofy in Oz. And they play off each other so well and have so much fun that it’s actually fun to watch the dvds.

And, I’ll be danged if I didn’t learn a thing or two from the dvds. Or twenty. I’m a smarter wine drinker, and given how much wine I drank while watching the dvds, I like wine a lot better now.

The third season, Oz and James Drink to Britain, is the funniest and focuses less on learning and more on drinking, but you’ll still learn a thing or two about beer, scotch, and Oz’s Irish roots. Unless you’re drunk midway-through, like me.

I don’t like Ben Stein. I think he is evil, or at least unsavory. And Comcast now has these commercials with Shaq and him, where Stein says, “I know about money, because I’m an economist.”

And I guffaw. That’s right, I said “guffaw.” Because it seems to me if Ben Stein knew about money he’d probably find something else to do with his undeniable intelligence than commercials with Shaq or for dry, red eyes. Of course, maybe he has no money because he spent it all, making a biased, creationist, masquerading-as-science movie.

PS. Wearing sneakers with a suit is not endearing or fashionable.

Attention all people wearing Crocs:

You look stupid. Really, really stupid. You look like someone who spent $20 on an ugly, non-functional pair of shoes that occasionally leads to horrific escalator-related maimings. Oh, wait, you are someone like that.

Seriously, your shoes look stupid. Especially the new ones with the faux-fur inner lining that look like a cross between Crocs and fuzzy slippers. I can’t believe I’ve actually seen people wearing these in public. Even people on Yahoo! Answers, who are the second most stupid group of people on the Internet, are aware that these shoes are dumb.

Please stop. Unless you are at least as awesome as Mario Batali, just stop.

About a year ago, I bought a Flat Fold Colander, which you can see Cathy Mitchell pitching on TV here. It was a good purchase, because it was six bucks, it performs as advertised, and it hasn’t broken yet.

But I am not here to extol the virtues of the Flat Fold Colander, diverse though they may be. I am here to tell you about Haband, probably the most hilarious company I have ever dealt with. Not in a good way.

Haband (or as they sometimes style themselves, “Haband!”) is a mail-order business that apparently caters exclusively to the–*ahem*–aged, particularly those who have lost their sense of dress and/or eyesight. Most of what they sell is clothes, but there’s always an assortment of other random crap on offer, which happened to include the Flat Fold Colander when I was in the market for one. Seriously, take a look at some of the fine men’s and women’s fashions on their website if you don’t believe me. They’re hideous. Everything is made of polyester twill and elastic. Mostly elastic. The products are apparently also poorly made, as evidenced by Haband’s hard-earned one-and-a-half-star rating on Epinions.

Anyway, ever since buying the colander from them, I’ve been receiving in the mail every month or two a small stack of slick fliers–like a Valpak coupon mailer–each advertising a different new product from Haband. These mailers are pure hilarity and I strongly advise you to get on their mailing list in any way possible. This month’s, however, takes the cake. Nestled among the fliers was this letter, personally addressed to me by Mr. Duke Habernickel, proprietor:

My Distinguished Friend,

As any man worthy of great esteem (like yourself) knows, the absolute best purveyors of goods and services often present their customers with a lavish, eye-catching set of “Thank You” gifts. Superior, top-of-the-line benefits that even the most discerning of tastes will appreciate and enjoy. An Executive Pen, for example. An International Chronographic Classic Watch perhaps. Even a High-Quality Glove Soft Wallet.

Just recently I have secured a limited amount of these elegant kinds of Gift Sets for a few of my favorite Haband Customers, & You Sir, Have Been Chosen among them! Nothing would make me happier than to send you one of these incredible Gift Sets, which their skilled manufacturer suggests is an $80 VALUE!

Each three-piece set is crafted with care and precision by Black Diamond™, a name with which you are no doubt already familiar. You get a handsome, quartz-accurate Classic Wristwatch that is the very embodiment of luxury. One glance at this Black Diamond™ Wristwatch and your friends are all sure to wonder if you have recently been honored by the Chamber of Commerce and why they weren’t invited to the ceremony! But that’s not all, my friend.

You will also receive the lavish Black Diamond™ Executive Pen that writes smooth & fits comfortably in your hand. And the Black Diamond™ Glove Soft Bi-Fold Wallet to store the massive fortune you have saved doing business with yours truly!

Oh, the letter brings tears to my eyes. It rivals promotional materials from American Express in terms of sheer pomposity. Needless to say, the company “with which I am no doubt already familiar” doesn’t exist at all. The gifts look incredibly cheap even in their doctored photos. My favorite thing, though, is the tagline for the wristwatch. I can just imagine the conversations:

Me: Bob, have you seen my new Black Diamond™ Wristwatch?
Bob: No. (raises eyebrows) Wow Michael, what a luxurious watch. Why was I not invited to the ceremony when you were honored by the Chamber of Commerce, which is the only way I can imagine you having obtained such a watch?
Me: Because you suck, Bob!
Bob: (silence)
Me: Ahahahahahaaaa!
Bob: Nooooooooo!

Ahem. Sorry. The whole “Chamber of Commerce” bit is repeated on the coupon I’m supposed to send in with my order to receive my fabulous free gifts, so the folks at Haband are clearly quite proud of that piece of wordsmithing. Speaking of wordsmithing, this was also included in my mailer this month:

Good Friends Share Only the Best News! And that’s what we are sharing with you today, some very Good News! In the near future it is possible that one of our “partner companies,” also considered like yourself, close friends of Haband, may be contacting you via phone with great offers and discounts that could benefit your everyday life. You have every option to take advantage of these offers and save a lot of money!

Y’know, on second thought, maybe you shouldn’t go get yourself added to Haband’s mailing list.